I’m about to get super personal on this one, but I know I’m not the only one dealing with stuff like this..
So, here goes..
My parents split right after I was born, they didn’t leave on the best terms, but mom always encouraged us to have a relationship with our father and his family. My “father” was an alcoholic, had a drug problem, and was abusive. I always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt when he would act out, I would just tell myself “this isn’t the real him, he is just acting this way because of the drugs/alcohol.” Growing up I used to be so jealous of the other little girls with their dad’s, I wanted that father-daughter relationship, to be a “daddy’s girl” but I never had it.. I grew up thinking I was the problem, I always asked myself why I wasn’t good enough for him to just love me.
It wasn’t until I was 15 years old, we went to my grandmother’s (his mom’s) for Christmas, like we had since we were kids, but an argument started and it got way out of hand. I then told myself I would no longer put myself in that sort of situation again, I was done giving him the benefit of the doubt, I was tired of thinking I was the problem! That night on the way home, I finally realized after all these years, it had NOTHING to do with me! I was NOT the problem, he was so miserable in his life he had to find some “escape” from reality, he was the problem and it was not anything I could fix, he would have to. It will be 5 years since that night this year, it’s been very difficult trying to find a way to forgive him.
How could I possibly forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
What if I do forgive him and this happens again?
What if my daughter witnesses him act like that?
My brother and sister have a relationship with him, so I would still have to be around him at my nephew’s births, burthdays, and christmas. I found the best way to handle the situation was to just keep my distance, I would be civil for their sake, but that was as far as it would go. Over this past year me and my sister have developed a relationship, we have talked about everything and weather or not I would allow him to be “grandpa” to my daughter. My husband and I have both discussed that if he was to reach out to me and ask, I would give him the chance to atleast try to be a better grandfather than he was a dad..
Alot has happened over the past 3 years, he has a girlfriend now who is keeping him straight. My sister tells me they’re happy together and that he has changed since being with her. Of course I am sceptical, I know he knows how to fool people. I decided to just sit back and watch him at the events I did see him, I wanted to see how he reacted to situations and people, I can definitely tell he has came a LONG way from when I was a kid, but I don’t think he is completely there yet.
Last year at Christmas him and his girlfriend got my daughter something, which is super surprising because growing up he never bought us anything his mom would and put his name on it. I saw the joy in his face when he seen her open the gift and she wanted to play with the baby doll he got her. This made me really start thinking “he is actually growing up”.
Earlier this year I got a call from my brother telling me I was going to be a big sister (I’m the youngest of us 3) I seriously thought it was some sort of joke, but it wasn’t, I am in fact a big sister to not just one but TWO babies that will be here next month! All I could tell him was that I hope he is a better dad to them than he was us. I kept saying that I would never be able to have a relationship with my little brother and sister because he wasn’t in my life. Ever since then, I have grown in my relationship with God and he has revealed alot to me, including that I never really forgave him. As I grow closer to God and continue trusting him in my whole life, but particularly this situation, my eyes have really been opened!
I didn’t really realize until one night I was talking to my sister that I was waiting on him to apologize, I wanted him to tell me how sorry he was for the way we grew up. I know now that I don’t need that apology, I don’t need him to tell me sorry. It wouldn’t happen anyways, he has told himself none of it ever happened, it was all my mom’s fault that he didn’t have a relationship with us. At first I didn’t really know how to react, I couldn’t understand how someone could lie to themselves enough that they don’t know the truth.
I got a call from my sister tonight, she had just talked to him on the phone, and he asked her for my number. She wanted to get my ok before she gave it to him. THIS is what I had been praying for, he was trying to reach out to me. I have said for I don’t know how long know that if it’s God’s will for it to happen it will.
I am going to talk to him face-to-face on Thanksgiving and see where he is coming from and set boundaries. My daughter is 2 years old, she doesn’t know who this man is, and she is going to have to slowly get used to him. I am really hoping things will stay civil and he understands where I’m coming from. I hope this is the beginning of some sort of relationship between the two of us. It’s too late for him to be my “dad” now, but he still has time to be “grandpa” to his granddaughter and be apart of her life growing up. Hopefully everything can stay civil enough that I will be able to be a part of my bother and sister’s lives, see them grow up and be a positive influence on them.
The reason I am sharing the thing that shaped my life the most with you is because I know out there somewhere, there is a little girl crying because her dad doesn’t love her and isn’t in her life. I know someone can relate to my story even if it isn’t with their father, but someone else close to them. Don’t give up! I never thought the day would come that I would even consider letting him hurt me again. I always said he would never be apart of my life or my children’s, I didn’t want them to grow up the way I did, I didn’t want him to let them down the way he always did me. People change, they grow up and realize their mistakes and try to fix them. Give them that chance!
Our Crazy Normal 